how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
