I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
