im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
