I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
