broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
