This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
