My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
