Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
