some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
