Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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