Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
