Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
