he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
