You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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