Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
