Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
