Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
