i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
