it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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