it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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