You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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