Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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