Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
