Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
