have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
