as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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