I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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