The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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