youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
