i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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