i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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