I feel great
I just peed on a car
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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