then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
