I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
