His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
