Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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