My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
True college students do jello shots in the library
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