We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
