you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
