I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
