Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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