I want to stick my p in your. b.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
