I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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