Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
