Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He felt like a one man threesome
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
