my being single is dangerous.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
