He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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