Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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