When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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