I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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